dear Leonardo,
some people say that you can’t bring up a boy without head bumps and scarped knees. they are inevitable companions of an active baby trying to figure out his own way around. but no matter what other people say, it does’t console a mother’s heart.
now as you are living through your 13th months of life, one of your favorite songs about five little monkeys jumping on the bed comes alive and becomes my worst nightmare. on one hand, I can’t help but feel so proud of your agility and bravery. you are curious and unstoppable, but you are also quite cautious and very dexterous, like a cat. but even cats stumble and fall, especially when they are still little clumsy kittens.
today we were reading books on the sofa, as usual. i left you there just for a second to grab something from the table, and almost immediately i heard a dull bang on the wooden floor. i turned my head back and didn’t see you on the sofa anymore. instead, i heard your cry. somehow you climbed over and fell with your head down (of course) just behind the sofa. my heart stopped for a second, but my movements were fast – i picked you up, and pressed you against my chest, trying to calm down my shaking hands. i studied your face and body, looking for signs, trying to spot where you hit yourself and estimate how badly it hurt. it didn’t take long for a bump on your forehead to protrude – disproportionately big for your little head, so terrifying, so disheartening. i broke into tears and was just pacing back and forth the living room with you on my arms, praying out loud that it would be just a bump and nothing serious. i could feel the pain. it hurt so much, both the bump and the worst of all pains – mama’s guilt, for not catching you on time, for letting you fall, for being the worst mama in the world.
thankfully, it was nothing serious this time – the bump went down in size significantly within just couple hours. you took a nice long nap and woke up happy and energetic again. but my shaken nerves and guilty conscious took way longer to recover. it made me so so so scared. for all the future head bumps, and falls, and times when i won’t even be around. for the moment when you will grow up and start doing stupid things, like all boys do. like i did myself when i was younger. i wish i can protect you from all of these, i wish i can always press you to my chest and cover you with kisses so any pain or sickness goes away. but i know it’s impossible. and this monster of a fear – for your life and well-being – that crawled into my heart today and makes me weep when i type this, this monster is there forever, and i need to learn how to live with it.
growing up as a girl was probably different, but i was also a tomboy. like every teenager, i wanted to have a taste of many things, the riskier they are, the cooler. i remember being annoyed at my parents who were – still are! – worried about me when I went snowboarding or parachute jumping or horseback riding. now i know what they felt, and while there is no way to explain it to you, i do want to ask you – please be careful and smart in anything you do, and if you love me even a tiny bit please remember that whatever can hurt you will hurt me tenfold.
always your mama,
with love
DISCLAIMER: Leonardo’s crying on the featured photograph has nothing to do with the voting 🙂
it’s a pure coincidence and should be considered as such
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