i know all the arguments against it but i simply can’t resists it. when your chubby little body goes limp on top of mine and you fall asleep after feeding, i don’t have enough heart to put you into your crib, nor my common sense convinces me that I actually would be more comfortable sleeping without you. the thing is, there is no common sense when it comes to mother’s love. the only thing i know is that it feels so irresistably good to feel your weight on top of me, your velvety warm skin, our hearts beats mixing into one.
couple days ago i stumbled upon a quote by Angela Garbes: “being a mother is a lifelong process of separation, letting go”. i couldn’t have said it better. it is an irony of life that with every day since you were conceived and started growing inside me, you are getting further and further away from me, and there will be a moment when you will be so far that I will miss and cherish every memory of the now, good or bad. may be that is why it’s so easy for me to go about all the notorious fallbacks of the early motherhood, like sleepless nights, fussy times, problems with breastfeeding, etc, etc. in fact, whenever someone asks how am i doing as a new mom, i have no complains whatsoever – partially because you are an incredible baby who smiles 99% of the time, and sleeps like a happy grownup (that is, all through the night and with long delicious naps throughout a day), but partially because i enjoy every single moment – difficult or easy – with you, and i wouldn’t change a thing.
you are almost 4 months old now, and i already miss dearly all the little worries and insecurities of the first 3 months. i miss your body being tiny and fragile, now that you twice longer and heavier, with adorable rolls of baby fat all around. i miss the puffiness of your face that made you look more like an alien rather than your mom and dad’s son. i miss swaddling you and using “magic” techniques to put you to sleep, as now you perfectly do it on your own, without much fuss. it goes on and on and on. they say time flies and I won’t remember all these in a year or so from now. I don’t know how is it possible, all these little things and thoughts imprinted in my heart, but just in case I do, that is why I write you these letters. the bitter sweet symphony of my love to you, life-long and beyond.
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