first couple of weeks after you were born i used to cry involuntarily while looking at you. no, it wasn’t the notorious post-patrum depression. these were violent, uncontrollable waves of overflowing happiness, impossible to contain inside. as well as hormones, no doubt. i used to literally weep from happiness, and scare your father with these tearful attacks. but for me it felt like the rare moments of truth when one suddenly realizes the meaning of life and everything else seems so clear and simple, no rubbish or razzle dazzle, just the core of things. and it was overwhelming and so so so beautiful. in fact, i was holding the meaning of life in my own arms, inhaling your intoxicating sweet milky sent and wondering – how could i possibly live without it before?
but before i actually lived just fine. i never was this type of girl dreaming about having kids since kindergarten. quite the opposite. i played with cars when i was little and made friends with boys because i related to them better. in my 20s, i lived life like a free spirit, experiencing things, changing careers, countries, boyfriends, enjoying my freedom and not missing anything. especially kids, who supposedly are notorious for taking all these perks away from you. then something changed when i turned 30. not immediately of course, and not abruptly, but softly, slowly, gradually i started wondering, reevaluating who i am and where i want to go. i had enough of the single girl lifestyle. i knew i wanted something different, there should be more to life than just parties. around the same time a very close friend of mine got pregnant and gave birth to the most adorable and most non-identical twins. now, that was love at first sight for me. i couldn’t get enough of them, especially (pleading guilty) the boy. it was the first time my mother’s instinct announced itself – before i didn’t even suspect it existed. still, i kept on resisting my mom’s preaching about necessity to have kids of my own. but the idea was successfully planted. it took couple more years and the right man in my life for it to mature and turn into this incredible bundle of joy (forgive the banality, but you ARE a bundle of joy!) who softly snores on my chest while i am writing this.
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