SEPARATION ANXIETY

I knew from the books that separation anxiety develops in some babies around the their 10th month. what the books don’t tell you is that the same separation anxiety develops in some mommies (I am silently raising my hand here) as soon as their baby is born. true story. so around Leo’s 10 months we were synced , both anxious and upset whenever a separation was foreseen, be that an hour errand or an 8-hours work day.

I suspect that when I was a child I had an unusually prolonged case of separation anxiety myself. I remember always crying whenever my parents were dropping me off at kindergarden or every time (until I became a teenager) when they were leaving me at my grandparents for summer. in the era before cell-phones and spare land lines (at least where my grandparents lived), I spent all my pocket money and half of summer afternoons at the local post office waiting for the operator to connect my long distance calls to speak to my mom. it only got better at older age, and were gone by the time when I decided to move out from my parents (for the record, I was 18).

while it’s incredibly sweet to see how much Leo is attached to me, it’s heartbreaking to leave him, even under a watchful and loving eye of grandma or my husband (we don’t have a babysitter because I don’t feel comfortable with it, nor I think it’s absolutely necessary). he senses me leaving, his eyes following me, he grabs my feet and makes whining sounds. and no matter how much I reassure him that I will be back to play and kiss him all over, he has his doubts and it hurts to see his sad eyes and offended pout as I close the door behind me.
now, my side of the story is not much better. and while I try to stay cheerful and light while saying goodbye to him (following advice I read about it online), my heart shatters into tiny pieces and I feel like crying. quite often I do, when no one can see me. and then when I am away (be that work, nail salon or rare outing with friends) I keep on thinking about him, and looking through his photos on my phone, or writing posts like this. does it sound familiar to anyone or have I gone completely mad? one thing for sure, I’ve never been so helplessly and overwhelmingly in love.

I know that I am lucky to have spent almost all his 1st year taking care of him myself while working from home. there was not even one night that I missed putting him to sleep. that is, I sang “I love you forever” lullaby about 300 times. he is 10 months now, and I still can’t get used to the idea that I won’t be spending all my time with him for the rest of our lives.
a friend of mine who also works in fashion, asked me the other day when I am planning to shoot again. I answered that I need to arrange it around Leo’s schedule. she suggested I finally get a babysitter and I explained that I don’t want to, not unless I really need to. she was genuinely surprised and asked me if I miss work. I sincerely answered – I do, but my son is the most important. he is my top priority now and always, everything else is secondary.

I wonder whether this is a side effect of separation anxiety – I know that this is not forever, the time when he needs me the most, and the time I can spend with him from morning till dawn is limited, and I am afraid it’s almost over. first year flew by quickly, Leonardo is almost walking now; daycares, kindergartens, pre-k, then school – this is all just around the corner. he will be more grownup and independent and will need me less, while I will get my life back and catch up on work, refreshed and inspired. but I don’t want to rush it even a bit. I want to enjoy fully every second of being his mommy. I must admit, this is the most amazing full-time job I could have ever dreamt about.