Leo was about 3 months old when i heard about “sleep training” for the first time. it was a fellow mama who asked me if we had went through it already. i proudly answered that we didn’t need to, because Leonardo started sleeping through the night all by himself without me teaching him anything. back then for me “sleeping through the night” meant his uninterrupted 5 hours of sleep in electric swing until 1am, waking up for the 1st feeding and moving to our bedroom, and then 2 more sleepy feedings before 7am when he was waking up for the day. i didn’t mind that arrangement at all, especially considering sleep-deprived friends who didn’t have a luxury of uninterrupted naps at all. but in fact, this is what is was – not exactly sleeping but rather napping through the night. and not being able to go back to sleep without feeding and/or rocking.
a friend of mine who has two beautiful boys gave me Michel Cohen’s book “The New Basics”. the book appealed to me with its light style and humor, and i was swept away after reading the chapter about sleeping. to summarize Dr.Cohen’s method, it only takes 3 simple steps (and only 3 difficult nights) to achieve 10-12 hours of uninterrupted sleep for an infant at/after 4mo, which are:
step 1. bath, changing for PJs, book reading
step 2. feeding without letting the baby to fall asleep while on your breast
step 3. putting him in a crib, kissing him goodnight and coming back to his room only the next morning.
sounds almost too good to be true? it is. of course, this method, also widely known as “cry it out” method, implies some/a lot/hell of crying which parents are supposed to ignore to win the battle over sleep. if done precisely following the rules, dr.Cohen guarantues achieving 10-12 hours of peace in any house by night #3.
i was sold! not only my friend has successfully done it with her 3yo in the past, but she was about to start sleep training her 2mo. and Leo is almost 5mo! (that is, almost late for sleep training before the abandonment anxiety kicks in around 6 months) my friend did warn me though that it would be tough.. and it definitely was.
the first night there was a lot of crying. surprisingly so, not Leo’s but mine. not him, but me had the separation anxiety kicking in. after successfully accomplishing all three steps, my little one was peacefully sleeping in his big crib, while i was sobbing in my husband’s arms in our suddenly empty bedroom. he was growing too fast and i couldn’t handle it. i wanted him back, swaddled, tiny, breathing next to me in his little hanging crib, waking up just to fall asleep together while feeding.
but on the first night Leo slept without waking up at all from 8pm until 3am. at 3am he started moving in his sleep, and cried softly, without opening his eyes. i waited for incredibly long 15minutes. i was trying to imagine how other parents could endure much more serious crying, or even shrieking and vomiting (according to dr.Cohen) without going crazy. it felt unnatural and very very sad. the only thing i wanted to do it to comfort him back to sleep. which i successfully did with a pacifier and without picking him up from the crib or feeding him. after this there were another 2 short wakings like this with the same outcome – pacifier worked like a charm, and Leo slept almost like a grown-up. at 7am, traditionally, he woke up for the day and didn’t even seem to notice the difference. only his diaper, usually full and heavy after the night, was almost like new. he fed normally and the day went by as usual, except that he was falling asleep for his day naps all by himself. wow. it actually worked!
all day i was researching about sleep training, educating myself about two different methods – “cry it out” and “no tears” – and trying to decide what i feel like doing myself. the instinct was telling me not to push it too hard. Leo has always been a great sleeper, and I also never really had any problems with our night routine either, so why change it too drastically now. there has been a natural improvement, as well as dr.Cohen’s technique, though modified and subdued, made its effect as well. if the only difference between “cry it out” and “no tears” methods was the amount of days that will bring you to the same results (the latter method taking just a bit longer), i definitely had no rush. then i stumbled upon a quote from William Sears’ “Nighttime parenting” and it pretty much summarized my opinion and experience in few very precise sentences. here it is:
“Letting the baby cry undermines a mother’s confidence and intuition…not responding to a baby’s cries goes against most mothers’ intuitive responses… Once you allow outside advice to overtake your own intuitive mothering you and your child are at risk of drifting apart.”
there are as many minds as there are heads, and parenting is no different. but one thing i will always trust is my instinct. especially, my mother’s instinct. because it brought us that far (5 months already!) and every day i wake up to a happy, smiling baby – and this is what’s important.
i continue the sleep training by following the same going-to-bed routine every day, religiously, and it seems to be working. i try to keep Leo active and engaged during the day (for example, we do a lot of tummy time which always make him tired in a good way). we have daily walks in the park from 4 to 6pm. at 7pm i make him a warm bath and spend half an hour splashing in the water and singing songs. relaxing massage, diapers change, and PJ dressing after. the lights in his nursery get dimmed by 7:45pm when we start the last feeding for the day. i read him the same book while nursing (we both seem to like “I love you forever”, a touching story of a boy and his mother, that has a simple lullaby in it too). at 8pm i put Leo in his crib and kiss him good night. if he is too awake, i turn on the star nightlight and music, or just keep on singing “I love you forever” lullaby softly. usually, within 5 minutes he is deep asleep. considering that just a week ago around this time he used to cry ferociously and needed to be rocked to sleep for at least an hour or so, it seems almost unbelievable.
so my advice about sleep training? educate yourself but follow your mother’s instinct. noone knows and understands your child better than you. i wish you find your own way to the happy night parenting, without a need to cry it out for neither of you. but this is just my two cents *)
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