WORKING MOM

going to work for the very first time after 7 months of self-paid maternity leave felt bittersweet – on one hand, i was excited and a tiny bit nervous to get back to the once familiar outside world with its hassle and dazzle, while on the other hand i couldn’t help but feel sad for the time flying by so quickly, for you growing so fast and needing me less and less every day, for an objective impossibility to be with you 24/7, skin to skin, for the rest of my life and just enjoy being a full-time mother – an unexpected profession i was surprised to find myself loving more then anything i ever did in my life. of course, it was easier to go back to work now, when you are almost 6mo, then when you were not even 3 months, and i had 3 exhaustingly long days of photoshoots. it made me think and feel compassionate towards moms who are forced to go back to boring office jobs only 2-3 months after labor. i used to think it wasn’t right, but now i know – it is simply cruel. whoever made up the rules about maternity leave in U.S. is obviously childless. no parent would ever suggest to leave behind a tiny, milk-smelling, half-developed fragile creature who is fully dependent on his mother, to the care of strangers, no matter how well-trained or well-meaning. but some people have no choice, and my heart breaks for them, for the anguish and worry they go through, and for the heaviest guilt one can imagine – the mom’s guilt.
on a brighter note, today i stumbled upon a wise saying: there is no way to be a perfect mother, but there are so many ways to be a good one. i would feel accomplished and happy if i can simply be a good mom to you. after my work day was over, i was literally flying home, rushed by hormones and an undeniable need to kiss you all over, to inhale your smell and hear your velvety, husky giggles that wrinkle your nose. and surely enough, you were waiting for me, already tired and fussy after a long day (12 hours stretch is no joke when you are only 5 months old!) but still alert, and curious, and ready to play. our bath time was short but we compensated it by an extended massage session and longer nursing and cuddling while i told you your favorite story on repeat. reluctantly, i put you in your crib while the only thing i wanted to do is press you even tighter to my chest and keep on stroking the silky fuss of your honey-colored hair. tomorrow is another day of separation to survive, and i have a feeling you will do better than me, again. because you are such a strong and clever little boy with a look of a wiseman peeking trough the blue of your eyes.